My Experience in Youth Ministry:
The Good, The Bad, and
The Ugly
Part 3: The Ugly
I faced some of the toughest times in my life as a youth
minister, feeling caught between parents and their children. I knew they cared
deeply of their children, but I often got the feeling (maybe because I was
single) that they thought I didn’t really care for them. Sure, it wasn’t in the
same way as a parent, but I did rejoice with their successes and mourn their
failed attempts.
I remember back one time I had decided to make a MySpace
page for the youth (back when that was the thing). I knew most of the youth had
MySpace and I would miss them through e-mail or phone calls, so I decided it
would be good to have a page they could go to and see updates and things we
were doing. Sound great, right? Well, the youth started joining (it was a
closed group) and I accepted them, happy about my idea and how well it was
being received already. Then, I get an e-mail from my pastor, informing me and
forwarding me an e-mail he had received from a mother. This mother was not
happy with the new page. She didn’t have a MySpace, so it was actually her
sister who asked to be in the group (she had to since it was closed and no one
could see anything). She was appalled at the links on MySpace, which of course,
I had no control over. Then, she didn’t like that her kid’s picture was on
there. I remember reading that e-mail and being so astounded... and mad,
because I had worked so hard to format the page and everything. I ended up
deleting it and of course, the youth asked and I told them what had happened
(not naming names, but I always refused to lie to them when stuff like this
happened).
Another time I had this great idea, instead of meeting at
the church on Sunday nights, we should meet at someone’s house... and just so
happens, one of the older ladies in the church lived across the street and
loved being involved with the youth. Turns out, they loved her too, so this
would be great. I had told the youth about it and had planned everything. I had
one or two parents ask me if we could have it at different houses and I
explained it would be difficult for the youth to keep track and find
transportation to a different house every week (not to mention find different
houses that would be open to having the youth there as well). Then the Sunday
finally came. I was excited; this might be more comfortable for the youth and
for them to invite their friends. Only one problem. That afternoon I got a call
from the older lady whose house we were going to use and she informs me we
cannot meet at her house. When I ask why she tells me some of the other women,
who she doesn’t name, do not like the idea and she doesn’t want to be in the
middle. I understand her position, so I have to go and e-mail/message everyone
about the sudden change. Again, the youth, not being naive, ask why the change,
so I tell them what happened. I feel bad, as if I should have covered, but why
should someone else’s actions mean I have to lie or come up with some
statement.
The
last thing, and one of the things that made me start to
think about leaving my first church, was a meeting I had with the
pastor. By
this time the previous pastor had left and a new pastor had started. If
the old
pastor only gave me praise, this pastor gave me the opposite. Of course,
in
front of others I got praise but behind closed doors I got critiqued.
One of the
last times I was asked into his office was about four months before I
left. I
walked in and he asked me to have a seat. I sat down and he said there
was
something that he was concerned about. When I asked what, he told me he
was
concerned I didn’t come on Wednesday nights (see, some deacons and the
pastor
wanted me to come on Wednesday and also to start teaching youth too on
Wednesday nights. I had spoken with the youth, but they told me they
were busy
during the week. In addition, I was not hired to do Wednesday nights but
only Sundays). I told the pastor these things and he said he didn’t
care what I
was hired for, that was the old pastor and he was the new pastor. He
said he
thought the youth minister should be there every time the church doors
were
open. I was astounded, here I am trying to reasonable and it sounds like
he
didn’t really care. He was not listening to me. This was not a
discussion. I
told him I didn’t want money to be an issue, but I have bills to pay,
and doing
extra work plus driving out of town to the church was more money I
didn’t have.
Then... and I will never forget this, he said to me... "and that is
something
else I was to talk to you about.” My eyebrows rose. He told me ministry
was not
about money and he reminded me about the time I met him in town, so he
could
get me, and we could both go and visit youth together. He was
discouraged by
the fact I didn’t drive all the way out to the church to meet him. I
really
didn’t see the need for both of us to drive (this is when gas was over
$4.00 a gallon). I told him I wish money wasn’t an issue but it was...
(This was
also when I had no job, so during the week I was substitute teaching as
my bank
account tanked hard. And yeah, he knew this was going on). I left his
office
feeling so sorrowful, conflicted, and judged. For two months I started
to go on
Wednesday to prayer meetings. The community was good, but I felt off at
church from then on. I started to feel my time here was maybe ending and
started praying and talking to close friends. Two months later I decided
I was
going to leave and two months after that I gave my two weeks notice. I
left
having no other ministry job, but knowing my time there was over. It
would be
two years of working retail and at a library before I would start a
residency
as a chaplain.
I hate that this third part is longer than the others, but I
think the situations had to be more fully explained. Like I said, there are
good things, bad things, and ugly things that happened in ministry. And I know
I am not alone in this. Most ministers keep their mouths shut, so they are not
rude, cause disunity, or in fear for their jobs and livelihood (especially
those with families). The only reason I am writing about this now, after a few
years, is because I think these things should not be hidden in the dark. In
some churches, there are people with power who should not have power, there are
devious and sabotaging things that happen, and get swept under the rug. I think
if the church ever really wants to grow, especially in America, it
will have to deal with all the things it has under these rugs. These things
will need to be made known, put into the light, and repentance and love must
win over critique and judgment; encouragement over law-making, grace over
oppression.
~ Boldness & Compassion
